Friday, August 22, 2008

I wrote this entry about 6 weeks ago -- but am only posting it now.

Its not hard for me to admit - I was never really a "baby person". I never had the "baby bug" or "baby pangs" or whatever people would call them. I liked seeing babies, and I appreciated the cuteness, but it never made me say (to myself or anyone else) ohmygodihavetohaveonetooASAP. Emiro was always the one ready for a family first, I was the one setting all sorts of goals and plans of what we should beforehand. So it was not surprising how shocked, scared and apprehensive I felt when I found out that OOOOPS, we're pregnant. All sorts of things worried me. The predictable ones (how will our lives change? can we afford this? what will happen to our plans?) and some personal worries (will I have the patience? will I be a good Ima? will this legendary baby bug suddenly take over me?). As the pregnancy progressed, I became more attached to the little cupcake moving around and hiccuping inside me, but I still wondered about the connection everyone talks about after the baby is born- I hoped the lack of "baby lust" would not affect us forming a loving, deep, unconditional bond. 

When Aviv was born, before she was even put in my arms, I bawled on the delivery table from the love I felt for her. I couldn't believe it, yet I believed it.-this primal, instinctual connection with the crying baby across the room. And although I have only had the privilege of knowing Aviv for 5 short weeks, I can say without any doubt or hesitation how I deeply love her. That legendary "baby bug" I seem to lack has not prevented me from falling head over heels in love with her. It did not stop me from making the silliest faces at her to make her smile or talking baby talk or making ridiculous cooing noises or kissing her chubby little legs when changing her stinky diapers or staring at her awe-struck 24/7. She makes me melt.melt.melt and then rebuilds my puddle of a being into someone stronger, better. Right now it seems like a continual cycle of melting, forming, growing, exploding. She is causing me to change, Emiro to change, our marriage to change.  And we can't contain our love for her, so we just allow it to wash over us, coloring our world with beauty and melody and anticipation and awe. So much awe. So much love.

Honestly, having a child has been  the craziest roller coaster full of lows and highs, especailly in the first couple of weeks when your hormones are out of control and sleep deprivation is at its peak (well, it still is). You give up a lot of selfishness. You ache physically and emotionally, cry from frustration, and question whether you know what you're doing so many times. But you never question your love for that tiny little being, who is the vision of perfection to your biased,adoring eyes..."Baby bug" or not.